Sunday, December 31, 2017

Phoenix Rising

Well, here we go... time to relaunch my baby, my blog.

2017 was a year of abject pain for me, misery like I've never felt before.

2018 will be a year of reinvention.
I've been told that in the past, my blog has been too negative. To me, it's been raw and real, sometimes good, sometimes bad. 2017 was bad for me. Perhaps many of my posts had a negative bent to them, but... I had a lot of negative emotions roiling inside me.

My father died. My last parent. It devastated me beyond the telling of it. I know some people can't understand the depth of that kind of pain. I know some people don't have the same strong, loving relationship with their parents that I did, and I know some people haven't gone through what it feels like to lose a parent, much less both of them. It god damned near put me in the grave right along with them. I won't apologize or feel bad for the grief I felt, still feel, and the way I've dealt with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I did it, am still doing it, my way.
Life isn't always pretty.

I won't change the way I write this blog going into 2018. It's who I am and that is what this blog has always been. It is mine.

And no one is forced to read it.

Moving forward, I'm going to try to stop labeling myself so much... submissive, dominant, alpha, slave, whatever. I'm just me, and I'm pretty fucking awesome at being me. I've been being me for a very long time.
At times, I may be any of those things, and a billion more as well. And I have the right to every one of those nouns and adjectives. I'm following my happiness and if I start down a path that seems to be bringing me down, I will change it.

And there will be hurt involved.

It can't all be sunshine and rainbows and puppies and ladybugs and unicorns farting glitter.

I may be a Pollyanna, but I'm a realistic Pollyanna.

And I am not a Second Life Barbie Doll. I am a real woman with real emotions... sometimes joy, sometimes fury.
No one ever asks men to stop being so negative, do they? Who walks up to a man sitting on a bus and says "Smile! You look so pretty when you smile!"

So, you know, fuck a bunch of that bullshit.

Sometimes I don't want to smile. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream.

And sometimes I fucking will if that's what I feel like doing.
I'm starting off 2018 by not getting what I want. I was tasked to change myself into someone I'm not... and I can't do it. Nor do I want to do it. Super-submissive beta slave girl.

It kinda makes me giggle to think I could ever be that. And who really calls themselves alpha or beta anything?

"Hi there! So nice to meet you! Just in case you were wondering, I'm an alpha. Here's my card. And you?"
It hurts that I'm letting something go that I love. But I was not loved in return, at least not for who I really am.

The positive in that is that I am strong enough to stand up for myself and be the kick-ass woman I am.

The negative is the hurt. And I'll be god damned if I'll pretend I'm not hurting and angry for the sake of making my blog sound like it was written by Little Mary Sunshine. This is my journal and my outlet.

When I love, I love deeply. And I often fall for men who want the Barbie Doll without the human operating her.
And I try... I do. I try so hard to be the Barbie. It'll go well for a little while and I will be... "perfect".

But I'm not perfect. No one is. Eventually my real self bleeds through, the one who stands up for herself and argues and refuses to be a fucking doormat.

Which woman would you want? I don't want a Ken Doll so why do so many men want the Barbie? Is it really that hard to deal with a real woman? I don't really think I'm all that high maintenance... I don't demand things, other than, you know, respect. And perhaps to come first, and I don't think that's a lot to ask of a person who says they love you.

Not first in RL, of course. First in SL.

When you want a man to love you for who you are, and he can't or won't, it fucking hurts. It sucks and there are no two ways about it.

But... having said all that, it also makes me feel strong. Stronger. I'm resilient. I can withstand the pain and not let it kill me. Because I am that strong woman with her own opinions, and intelligence, and humor, and independence. I'm a fucking goddess.
So, anyway, I'm disappointed. Disappointment is part of life.

So is healing.

2017 was pain... 2018 will be the healing. It's part of the circle of life. And it can be beautiful... cathartic and reinvigorating. There will be ups and downs, and as I have for the past five years, I will journal my journey here.

I may not be starting 2018 exactly where I thought I would be, but I'm starting it with my back straight and my head held high.

Love me or hate me... or even feel ambivalent towards me.

This is Beth, and she is fucking incredible when she spreads her wings and gives herself permission to be all the wonderful and complex things she is.
Welcome back, me.

And Happy New Year to you, my wonderful friends and readers. <3



Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa Baby

Note: Look for this blog to relaunch after the new year... It's the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. A fresh start, new adventures, and many new possibilities!


Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list.
Santa baby, I wanna yacht,
And really that's not a lot,
Been an angel all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, one little thing I really need,
The deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your 'X' on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don't mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

*record scratch*

sigh
Yes, I have to revisit this one last (hopefully) time.


There are times when I post something on this blog and people misconstrue the meaning of what I'm saying. I stress often that this blog is basically my journal and I use it to suss through all the mess in my brain to figure out what it really is I'm thinking or trying to say or to puzzle through a decision or situation that is troubling me.

And sometimes it's also about something or someone making me ridiculously happy.

It always makes me feel great when someone reaches out to me to say they got something out of one of my posts. It means I'm not alone, and I believe helps show others that their troubles and emotions and joys are shared with others.

It seems, though, there may have been some confusion regarding the message of my last two posts, though I'm not sure how.

At least one person has taken it to mean I think it's okay to lie.

Let me make this exceedingly clear.

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

Do I need to repeat that?

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

I received an offline message today from one of my Flickr followers who also reads this blog. Since I was at work during all this, our conversation was fairly slow in happening, and this person is French so some of it required a bit of deciphering.

This person has a stunning female avatar. I mean, seriously, fucking gorgeous. If I'd met this person out in a club, I would have been attracted.

But the first message I got was something along the lines of "You know in real life I am a male so I understand completely what you're saying."

Okay, great! I assumed this was biological man who is either transgendered, transsexual, or simply a  cross dresser and I thought it was wonderful that she was confiding in me and was comfortable doing so. I started asking her questions...

And he admitted that he is a straight male who views SL as a game. He is essentially playing a woman for the sole purpose of fucking with people.

I am absolutely dying to call this person out by name, but it's not my place to out anyone, even if it's outing him for being a complete douche canoe. 

As we exchanged messages, I wanted to make sure that he didn't have something on his profile indicating his true gender and orientation. Nope. I found this instead, on his real life tab, "- i am a french woman".

He models as a woman, he has a family as a woman (one of those goofy SL families with a mother and bunch of sisters... maybe they're all men fucking with people. I don't know.)

He belongs to many of the same adult clubs that I do. He fucks men and women, it seems from his Flickr stream, and he doesn't tell any of them he is a straight man fucking with them for his own amusement. I asked him flat-out if he tells people he's a man and his answer was no.

He said that if people find out and get mad, he just blocks them.

And that's when I got angry. Well, it had been building, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding anything he was saying.

I asked him why. I asked him what he gets out of it. I asked him if he had any empathy for the people he was screwing with.

No, he doesn't. Isn't that scary? And he thought I would be an understanding person and give him a pat on the back for all his deceit?

No. Fuck no.

I told him about the incident that made me leave SL for over a year when I found out a "man" I had feelings for was actually a woman just role-playing. My trust was destroyed. I tried to make him understand how it made me feel to that find out. How much it hurt.

I tried to explain that the people behind the avatars are real people, with real feelings and real emotions and that it's not just a game for a lot of people.

He's not new at this, people. His avatar is over 7 years old. He's been pulling this shit on people for more than 7 years! And he thinks it's funny! He tried to feed me this bullshit about how he likes to be able to see things from a female perspective. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. He'd already told me that SL was just a game to him.

This would be very different if he was a man who felt he was born into the wrong gendered body, but he isn't.

He's just an asshole.

So, ladies and gentlemen, when you're trying to pick up that stunning French brunette at Teqi's or Mysterium's, or the Chamber, or at Frank's Place, or at Elysium, with a profile full of her sisters, her availability for modeling (for free!) and no voice, no cam, no Skype and no pictures, beware.

Maybe you care, maybe you don't. I know there are some who don't give a shit about the gender of the person behind the avatar. Again, this would be different if he were exploring a side of his sexuality or his gender, but he isn't. This isn't about his true orientation or gender... it's about his lying. He's just trolling for shits and giggles and doesn't give a good god damn about anyone he might hurt.
This bothers me. This makes me fucking furious. I have a big fucking issue with being lied to, and I despise people who lie so easily, without care, and without... Jesus, without any humanity

And the reason this entire mess with my ex-lover has me so devastated is because he is putting me in the same category of liar as this piece of shit. And I don't want to be in the same category as this piece of shit.

Again, I don't think I lied. Sexual orientation is fluid. It changes. Our needs and desires and passions change. At different points in my life I have considered myself 100% straight, 100% bisexual, and more than once I've wished I could just be 100% gay because men can be a pain in the ass.

If I had to put a percentage on it today, I would say it's 90/10. Last week when I was hoping to be in a love affair with my guy and another woman, it was probably around 60/40. I desperately wanted to find a gorgeous woman that I clicked with, emotionally and sexually, to bring into this relationship. I had intense sexual fantasies about the three of us. I so fucking badly wanted it and it kills me to be called a liar.

I need all this fucking drama out of my Second Life. I want to go back in time a week or so and never have that damn conversation about orientation and for none of this to have ever started. Back when we were having fun... so much damn fun... and nothing was so serious.

I understand why he cut me off... if I was, in fact, a liar, because believe me, the jackass I talked with today has now been blocked seven ways from Sunday. I don't want to see him, speak to him, acknowledge him or know he exists.

So I absolutely get the anger of my guy, my ex guy, if I had lied. I'd cut me off, too.

And the part of all this that is absolutely killing me is that I have absolutely no way of proving to him that I didn't lie. It's not like sending him a photo to prove my gender or something concrete that you can see. I don't have a membership card for "Bisexuals R Us". Photos of me with women in SL? Yes, I have those but as anyone knows, scenes can be faked.

I can't prove to him that I'm not lying, and he won't take my word for it because I love cock too much.

It would be funny if it wasn't so heart-breaking.

And just once more, because it clearly needs to be said again.

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

The Edit

This should be on my last post, but I've decided it needs its own.
I need to edit the part that said I'd been dumped because it seems I hadn't been dumped. My bad. We were simply on a break.

Yes, a break. And if you can't hear that without thinking of this...
...you are not alone.

Of course, now it's not just a break. I have, indubitably, been dumped.

You see, I committed THE cardinal sin. I sent him a very long, very detailed notecard. It actually started out as a blog post, but I didn't feel it was fair to publish all our dirty laundry... mainly, his dirty laundry because I did that thing women do where they unleash all the fury built up inside them and pick at every little thing.
He didn't like that. Not one single bit. And he finds difficult conversations distasteful and stressful so instead of having a conversation with me, I got the "fuck you" message.

Specifically, he said, "good luck beth - leave methe fuck alone - u certainly dont know me - and go blog about shit tha is not true - i told u take a break and instead u write bullshit - anyway have a good life because half the shit u wrote is not true - u fucking liar!"

Followed by, "mute."

And he did.
So, that's that. I don't think I've ever been muted by a man. It's a bit... well... okay, a variety of emotions. Anger, absolutely. I'm a person who likes to fucking hash things out instead of running away so it annoys me to be completely just cut off like that.

I'm also baffled because he didn't seem like the type of man to... tuck tail and run. I thought more of him than that.

And, yes, I'm questioning myself, which I hate. That's what happened last year when I was very briefly partnered to the true narcissist. And I don't think this guy is TRUE narcissist. I just think he's... arrogant.
But having said that, he did that thing that narcissists do, and twisted my words, and turned everything around to lay blame all on me.

Or that's how it seems, anyway, since I CAN'T TALK TO HIM. I'm shouting that because I know he won't be able to resist reading this, not because I'm unhinged about all this mess.

But, yeah, it's left me shook. Am I the problem? If I am, it wasn't intentional. I still think I didn't lie to him and that sexuality isn't as simple as preferring the same sex, the opposite sex, or both genders 50/50.
I don't think I'm crazy, either. I think I'm doing pretty damn good at being a strong, independent woman who has her shit together. 2017 was a fucking rough year for me, losing Dad. Do I take my happy medicine? Yep. Depression is a disease and nothing to be ashamed of, and I've been in control of it since I had that terrible spell recently, but that's was before I met him.

Anyway, I think being muted makes it official, right? I've been dumped, unceremoniously, right on my ass.

I lost him.

But... he lost me, as well.

And I'm pretty fucking awesome.
Daddy really didn't like it when kitty told him he needed to be Dommed...

Monday, December 18, 2017

Baby, Bi, Bi, Bi

Okay, my dears... I need some help. I'm having a bit of a conflict with a sweetie of mine and I need your help. First off, I need you to take this little poll for me, pretty please.



You see, we are having a BIG problem with whether or not I'm a liar when it comes to my sexual orientation.

It's this simple... He says I'm straight, I say I'm not.

Really, in the whole scheme of all this mess, it has less to do with my orientation and more to do with what he considers a lie.

I say I like women, sexually.

He says I do not.

Yeah, I know... I don't need the lecture about being involved with a guy who thinks he knows me better than I know myself. I'm already struggling with myself over this.

Do I think I'm bisexual? No, not really. Do I think I'm straight? No... I really don't think that either.

I also don't think that there are only three degrees to sexual orientation. I don't think it's as simple as straight, bi, or gay.

The fact is that there are some women I am attracted to on a sexual level. I absolutely have girl crushes, and those crushes are often incredibly sexual in nature.

Most women I'm not sexually attracted to. Also, most men I'm not sexually attracted to.

Am I more attracted to men? Yes, absolutely. When I go out hunting for a sexual partner for the night, am I looking for women? No. If I'm only looking for myself, I'm looking for a man.

If I'm looking for someone both of us can play with, I'm looking mostly for women, but also for men.

And the women I'm sexually attracted to? It's not about looks. Oh, of course, I want them to be hot, by my definition of hot, but it's more about who the woman is. It comes when I get to know a woman and we connect on a level that isn't "Oh, hi. Wanna fuck?"

And it can be intense when I make that connection with a woman. It's happened in RL, and it's happened in SL.

So what am I? Straight, bi, or gay? If I only have those choices, I would have to define myself as bisexual because there are in fact women I want to have sex with. They may be few and far between, but they're definitely out there.

But that label doesn't really fit in the most basic sense of the word. I'm am not equally attracted to both genders.

(For the sake of this argument, I'm not getting into the other genders or the trans community.)

I am far more attracted to men, on a purely base sexual level. When you get into knowing a person, though, that line becomes more hazy. There is emotion involved, intellect, sense of humor... and that really undefinable "X" factor that makes us all attracted to some people and not to others. That spark that we have with certain people. Somewhere between fucking, and making love, is another level. And I've felt that with almost exclusively men, but also with women.

So, as you do, I went searching the Google. I took some polls and quizzes. On not a single one of them did I come up as 100% straight, but neither did I come up as 100% bisexual. I used the Kinsey model, the Klein grid, and the newest one, the Purple-Red scale.

That's the most recent one I could find, the Purple-Red, and I want to focus on that. As time goes on, we're learning more and more about the complexities of human sexuality and this was the most in-depth scale I could find.

Here are the definitions:
Looking at this, I would classify myself as an E2.
Where would you fall? What's is your color?





I would really, really appreciate it if you could take these polls for me and help a sister out.

I've been dumped for lying. I don't believe I'm lying. I conceded to him at one point just to make peace, but that didn't work. Since he knows me so well sexually, even when I conceded, that meant I was originally lying to him.

I know I should probably just let it go and move on with a man who doesn't force me to put a label on my sexual orientation, but I love the big doofus, and other than his penchant for being stubborn and having to be right all the time, he's a truly amazing man. And I'd like to fix this mess if at all possible.

I know he's going to read this post, and hopefully see some results on here when you all answer the polls. Maybe I'll be completely wrong and find that most people end up being either straight or gay, or 100% bisexual straight up the middle. If so, I'll eat crow, though I don't know if it'll do any good. He's pretty firmly slammed the door on me and I feel awful about it.

I pride myself on not being a liar. I honestly don't believe I lied in this case. I don't recall a time when I ever said to him "yeah, I'm totally bisexual." I think I've always put conditions on that label.

Anyway... please take these polls for me, and if anyone wants to discuss it, leave your comments below and we'll chat!

And THANK YOU for taking the time to do this for me. I seriously appreciate it!

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Maui... Wowie

For as long as I can remember (in SL) I've been seeking the perfect adult sexual paradise. Some have come close... some miss the mark by miles. I even tried opening one of my own and that didn't work, either.

But...

You guys, I might have found it. 
There is a naughty little oasis called the Maui Swingers Resort. No, no landmarks for you. This place is private and means it. In order to join, you must be recommended by a full member.

heh... full member...

And a full member is a person who has not only survived the interview process, and there is one, but has also proven that they are at Maui for the reason the sim exists... Sex. Sex, and lots of it. Quality sex.

Whaaaaaat? Quality and quantity?
Speaking in tongues... French tongues...
No... I'm not a full swinger yet and can't recommend anyone for membership yet, and that's due to a tiny quirk in their system that I'll discuss a bit further down

Right now, I just want to talk about my experiences here in the last couple of days since I was granted membership. 

I am having fun, my darlings! My sexual encounters thus far have been all that and a bag of damn chips. 

And that's a good thing because my lover of the past couple of months is currently treating me like a pariah due to a disagreement we had over the level of my bisexuality. I conceded, by the way, but I'm still in the shit house for some baffling reason I've yet to discern. 

But that's for another post. This is about pleasure. 
Let's take, for example, this delightful French gentleman I met this afternoon. I do have photos of the other men I fucked, but I neglected to ask them for permission to post them so they stay in the private folder. That's right, loves... I don't share everything I do. 

I met this fine male specimen at a party today. He asked for a dance... and dances at Maui are simply foreplay to the main event. Sex is expected. If you are there, you are expected to be there to fuck, or to be open to the possibility. Socializing is fine and encouraged, but Maui isn't designed to be one of those places where people just stand around staring at each other for hours with nothing else happening.

Thank god.
Granted, I've only been a partial member for a couple of days now, but if what I've seen so far is any indication of the normal atmosphere (sexually charged) of Maui, I'm in the right place.

Finally.

I am ever-so-hopeful that Maui is all it seems to be. I'm certain it has it's fair share of drama and the like. I think that's unavoidable to some extent, but it seems to be firmly in check.

People there like sex and they are there to have sex with multiple partners. 

Variety. Joyful, blessed variety. Sure, I've seen plenty of familiar names from those other places at Maui, but I'm also seeing a lot I don't know. 

Fresh meat!
That sounds incredibly crass, doesn't it? 

I really don't care. I've never made it a secret that my Second Life is primarily sexual. We're all here for something, right? Mine is sex.

Maui is delivering, and that's more than I can say for any other adult sex place I've been to in Second Life, including my own. 

If you're able to make the cut, I highly recommend obtaining a membership. Avatars are expected to be very well put together. Mesh isn't required but it's highly encouraged and I certainly haven't seen anyone stomping around there with Flintstone feet. 
I'm sure I'm going to run into men and women who aren't to my tastes. That's just semantics, though. What I find attractive isn't necessarily everyone's cup of tea but I have to say that what I've seen so far in terms of quality is far above anything else I've ever seen in any adult playground. 

There's also a little something to satisfy everyone's needs and desires. I've not taken in the entire grounds yet, but I've seen everything from vanilla to BDSM to lesbian-specific to femdom to orgy-friendly... and whispers of an ultra-secret inner sanctum of debauchery and bliss.

Last night I ran into a very old friend from years and years ago. Anyone remember Olina? It was from back in those days. We got wet in the pool, then got wetter on one of the loungers. Maui seems to be a less pressure-filled version of Olina. 
Bae caught me drippin'... lol
At Olina, the membership was private and there were the interviews and all that, but basically they let in everyone. Most of the men there would never make the cut with me, and though they also gave lip service to the "no means no" thing, members were pressured pretty hard to fuck anyone who flopped their Xcite cock or pussy out. And that's why I eventually stopped going there. For my tastes, the pickings were slim, and the constant pressure was nothing but sleazy and annoying. 

I've not seen that yet at Maui, and I'm hoping I won't, mainly due to the quality of the avatars (and the humans behind them) that they are granting membership to. 

Oh, I'm certain I'm going to be expected to fuck any and all (or most) but in this case, I believe I'll be happy to do that.
One of the more unique things about Maui is that the owner, Bandor Tyrell, makes nearly all of the furniture, and it's good furniture, too. He owns a shop called Debauchery to sell his high quality adult furniture. I haven't met him yet (his lovely wife Dani interviewed me) but he seems to be a very active owner, unlike at some clubs where the owner rarely if ever sets foot on the sim. 

This is also one of the big pluses for Maui. It's nice to see an owner actually take an interest in the day to day activities... and participate from what I've heard.

So that's all the good things I've discovered about Maui so far... now for my own little quirky thing. And it is a very small thing. 
This is the way the membership thing works at Maui: When you join, you're given a HUD, or encouraged to pick one up at the landing point, and wear it all the time. A new member is a Maui guest until they've fucked one other person, and had that person recommend them. 

After that, you are a Novice member. To gain full membership, you must fuck and get recommendations from three other members. 

And I am all for this premise. I think it's brilliant. I think it's a great way to separate the wheat from the chaff. 

But herein lies the problem. Last night and this afternoon, I fucked two delicious gentleman. Orgasms were had by all. 

But neither were wearing the HUD, therefore no recommendation as to my prowess so even though I've... met the requirements for full membership, it's not recorded as such so I'm still walking around wearing a tag that says Novice. 
It's been quite a while since I've been a novice at anything when it comes to sex... lol. I've got a message into Bandor right now to ask him about that. I'm hoping there's a work-around for it since it seems to run counter to the requirements for full membership.

(Aha! I heard from Bandor, and met with him as well. There is a system on the desk in the library for giving recommendations without the HUD. The HUD is much better, though... I didn't ask either man to recommend me and it would be bizarre to request it after the fact. So... two more men for me to fuck. The horror... lol!)

Other than that one small thing, however, Maui is incredible. I am enjoying the hell out of finally finding the place where all the quality sexual people are. 

And I'm certainly looking forward to indulging in all it has to offer...

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Hell Hath No Fury...

...like a woman scorned, right?

You know what, though? I'm sick of it... the scorned women seeking vengeance for perceived ills in Second Life.

Why? Because they've fucked up my Second Life, that's why.
You see, I have a gentleman friend. More than a friend. A love, a lover. And I would love to wax poetic about him right here as I normally do when a man gets inside me.

But I can't.

Because I don't know what the ever-loving fuck is going on.
This man that I adore is... well, he's not built for monogamy.

Nor does he pretend to be. He's the most upfront man I've ever met when it comes to being honest about why he's in Second Life and how he has absolutely no plans to get tied down to one woman.

I get that. I accept that. And I admire his honesty.
After a bit of a rocky start (my fault, not his) things were going well. We were having fun. I'd gotten past that initial wave of jealousy I always feel when I start getting involved with a man and there are other women, friends or otherwise, in the picture.

There were things going on, fun things, new friends being made, new experiences. A lot of laughter, and the sex was off the mother-fucking charts.

But then some other women got mad at him. His rules and regulations are pretty rigid. He's been stung before, as we all have, and he's protective of himself. And those these women knew of his rules for himself, and for the woman involved with him, they, as women do, thought they were going to change him.
Their behavior drove him into hiding. A break from Second Life, me included in that. The pettiness, the bitchiness, the vindictiveness... it just got to be too much when he was just trying to do as we all do in Second Life; log in to have fun.

He got stuck in that place where we hate to log in, hate the thought of logging in because we know there is going to be drama and bullshit to deal with, so he stopped. Sort of.

I have no problem with people needing breaks from Second Life. I've done it myself, several times. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and breathe and get all your priorities back in order before you can stomach coming back and hopefully avoiding the pit of quicksand.
So that's what's going on now. He's in hiding. Oh, I know he's logging in, but he's hiding, I assume, from everyone. He's hiding from me. That bothers me.

As you know, I hate alts and all the bullshit that goes along with having alts and having to keep up with which of your Second Lives you're playing, and remember what lies you're telling and who you're telling them to, blah, blah, blah. I hate it and I avoid people that I know have multiple alts.

Hiding, to me, is a bit like being on an alt. He's hiding something, himself, from me. And right now I'm torn between being completely understanding that he's just taking alone time for himself, and being pissed because he's hiding from me.
He's not talking to me, not even on Skype. My messages go unanswered. And before you think my messages are nagging him about being offline and begging him to come back or bitching because he's hiding from me... I'm not.

They've been messages of support and understanding, but it's really hard for me to understand why he's hiding from me when I'm not the bitch who decided proper vengeance for him having a non-monogamous life was to destroy his property.

Yeah, I've heard awful stories before about what could happen when you give someone your edit rights, but I'd never actually seen the destruction a person can wreak.
What a cunt. And I don't use that word lightly. I am pro-woman, but jesus fucking christ, ladies... come the fuck on! Control your damn selves.

Because that's all you can do... you cannot control someone else's life or who they are.

And when you behave like Carrie Underwood in that damn song, it's a reflection on YOU, not him. It shows the world that he was wise to get the fuck away from you because you're fucking insane.

What it is about women that makes them think they have the right to demand a person act as they see fit? And then to throw temper tantrums, or worse, when they don't get their way?
Fucking walk away. If a man isn't the man you want him to be, bless and release. Walk away because you are not going to change him, and even if he gives in and tries, all that's going to come out of it is resentment towards you.

I get rage. I've felt it myself. I've been fucking mad as hell and wanted to burn the entire world down around me to get vengeance on whoever I feel has wronged me. But I didn't fucking do it. 

It's natural to get mad. But when you go beyond that and can't control yourself or your anger, it's inexcusable. Putting shit on your profile about what a miserable human being someone else is, submitting some shit to SL Secrets (fuck that site) and abusing the edit rights you have to tear apart someone's virtual (or RL) property is... jesus fucking christ, it's going too far. A targeted campaign of harassment is bullshit.

Be the bigger person. Walk away. Don't drive people out of Second Life because you didn't get your way.
Because in this instant, it's fucking affecting my Second Life.

Some will say that by my making this post, I'm doing the very same thing I'm accusing others of doing. That previous posts of mine, particularly the ones about the asshats who ghosted, are no better than what I'm bitching about other women doing. On Twitter, it's called "sub tweeting". I suppose this would be sub blogging? Yeah, I've done it. I'm not especially proud of it. But I've never been so psychotic that I ran anyone out of SL by harassing them, or destroying something of theirs.

Maybe I'm being a hypocrite. I'll accept that if it's the label you want to put over my head.

Collateral damage. That's what happens when you seek vengeance. Yeah, you might get a few punches in on the person you're angry with, but there is damage done beyond that.

I can't spend time with, or even talk to, the guy I want to be with because he's so jaded right now he's avoiding everyone. That hurts, and I don't lay that hurt at his feet. I lay it firmly at the feet of those twats that drove him nuts.

And I'm sure there are plenty of men who are guilty of it, too, but every encounter I've ever had with it has been women.

And I'm sick of it, ladies. What do you say? I'll do better if you will. Deal?

Because Second Life is supposed to be fun.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Blank Spaces

Okay kids... it's time to get raw.

Over the past couple months, I've alluded to going through some tough times. I wanted to pour it all out here on my blog, but honestly, this time it was just too dark. I'd have ended up with you guys trying to track me down and calling 911.

I am finally coming out the other side now, and I'm ready to put the hell of the last few months into words as best I can.
So Dad died back in June. I did pretty well handling that... I was as prepared for it as one can possibly be, but it was still a fucking rotten gut punch. My dad was gone, is gone. He'd been with me all my life... always there for me. It was bad when Mom died, but I still had Dad.

It's a very different thing when you lose your last parent, and it doesn't matter one damn bit how old you are or how stable your life is. You still feel lost. The people who brought you into the world, gave you life, and loved you unconditionally, are gone.

But, still... I was doing good. I had been a caretaker for so long, first for years for Mom, then for Dad for nearly 10 years after she died. Don't ask me why I did it... I don't have a good answer. Maybe being the youngest, I just always assumed the task would fall on me? Maybe I used them as an excuse to avoid planting my own roots? I really don't know, but I devoted my life to taking care of my aging parents. I turned away some great guys... never got married. I never wanted kids, so that wasn't a thing, but I suppose it would have been nice to settle down with someone.

Regardless, I didn't. I took care of my folks. I don't regret it but I do harbor a bit of resentment towards my siblings for just letting me do it and not helping more than they did. It was easy for them. It wasn't easy for me.

Anyway, back to my story... I was doing well. My job was done and I could start living for me for once. I had no responsibilities to anyone and it was wonderful. I could relax. I wasn't always waiting for the phone to ring at all hours of the day and night.

I had my life back and I could do any damn thing I wanted.

And after a couple months of that, things got dark. Really dark. Suicidal dark. No, I never attempted it, but god, did I want to.

I starting believing I had nothing to live for any longer. No one needed me. The very thing that had given me life in the months after Dad's death were now killing me. My purpose was gone. I spent hours and hours and hours struggling, searching, for some sort of meaning, for some reason to keep going on. I found nothing.
I was tired... bone-deep exhaustion. Putting one foot in front of the other was just too damn much. There were several days that I just couldn't get out of bed. I wanted to close my eyes, not to sleep, but to have it all end. I didn't want to sleep... sleep led to either vivid, terrible nightmares or dreams where my parents were back and the world was whole again, but then I'd wake up again to the cold, stark reality of being completely alone.

I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to be awake. I just wanted to cease existence. It affected my work, both because there were days I just couldn't make myself go in, and because when I was there, I did nothing of substance other than snapping at people and generally being a miserable person to be around. The only person that knew one iota of what I was going through was my boss because, well, she's my boss, and because I know it's something she's struggled with herself. She's my age and has also lost both her parents already and was the first one to point out to me the differences between losing one, and losing both. I confided in her, usually just sitting in her office and crying without being able to explain why I was crying. Thankfully, I work with some amazing people, including my her, who gave me the time I needed to heal myself.

And I didn't do it alone... but I'll get to that.
First I want to talk about how this all affected my Second Life. Escaping into SL gave me a brief respite from the pain, but it was just an illusion and even though I didn't recognize it at the time, it absolutely affected how I behaved in Second Life. I lost some friends during this time. I did some awful things and shoved people right out of my life. I was doing that in both worlds, but it was much easier in SL because I could just be written off for being a crazy bitch. People in the real world knew me better than that and didn't let me shove them aside.

But in Second Life... yeah, I did some damage to some people. My SL has always been sexual, but not to the point of treating others like dirt to get what I wanted at all costs.

And while I pushed most people out, I let one in.

The wrong one, of course. Someone who had actually been on my official Do Not Fuck list slipped past security and boarded me strapped with bombs. I knew it was wrong when I did it, but there was no stopping me.

He got me to do something I typically don't do... voice. And I've always shied away from it because voice is something incredibly intimate to me. It's something reserved for those who are special, those I trust to hear me at my most vulnerable and raw.
And he did... he got to hear me. And I fell, as I do, fast and deep and stupidly. This is a guy I truly like, whose company I truly enjoy. He cloaks himself in being a player but underneath, there is a very nice gentleman. If you know me, you know I have a history of being insecure at the beginning of relationships. I tend to stomp away if I'm not getting what I want, when I want it. And then I come to my senses and apologize. Multiply all that times about elebenty bazillion due to my depression and he, wisely, stepped away from me and I got a bit ugly about it.

Again, I'm not proud of my behavior. I couldn't stop it even though I knew it was juvenile and ridiculous. I could see what I was doing but was utterly powerless to stop doing it. 

And as that was spiraling out of control, I realized that I was either going to kill myself and get it over with, or I was going to get help.

I got help. I made emergency appointments with a therapist and with my doctor and I held nothing back with either of them. From my doctor, I got my medication adjusted and added to, and from my therapist, I got someone who's seen countless others living through what I'm living through. I got instructions to give myself a fucking break. I got compassion and empathy and the encouragement to open up to those closest to me, my siblings, about the darkness I'd been in.

I spent hours talking to my sister. Listening to her talking about her own hard time dealing with all this shit, just sharing the misery and making promises to be there for each other when we need it. Somehow word got around to the rest of my siblings and I've been inundated with pleas to come visit all of them, especially with the holidays coming up and knowing that December is, on the dark side, associated with suicide.

I'm figuring out if and when and where I want to go anyplace. I'll definitely do turkey day with one of them, but Christmas... still up in the air. It's never been a favorite holiday of mine anyway and I'm toying with the idea of actually being able to bow out of it this year and just spend the day on the couch eating Indian food. We'll see.
The point is that I'm not alone. My life has changed drastically in the last four months. It's only been four months. I deserve a fucking break after everything. I did a lot, gave up a lot, for my parents. I deserve a fucking vacation, a real vacation, with beaches and sunshine and fruity drinks and cabana boys. And I deserve the time to take a breather and let myself feel everything. I deserve to give myself the time to think about what I really want out of life.

The medication helped immensely, too. This is something I can't emphasize enough to people with depression. Don't be afraid of medicine. Don't listen to the people who say it does more harm than good. That's simply not true. It doesn't fix a damn thing, but it helps you be able to fix it yourself. I got something to help sharpen my focus, and something to help calm my brain at night so I could get some real sleep. Short term... the Ativan the doc gave me to sleep is already in the trash. It helped me rest and now I'm sleeping well without it.

I don't want to die anymore.

And in the midst of all that, I had this mess in SL to deal with. This guy, Mr. Do Not Fuck that I fucked. I've apologized to him, and he has accepted, but he's keeping his distance and I don't blame him. He saw a side of me that was ugly and didn't know me well enough to know that's not the true Beth, but I can't change the past. I want to try to salvage something out of it because I think I saw something good in him, something worthy. Time will tell, I suppose, if he'll let me back into his life. I destroyed his trust and that takes time to rebuild, and all of that hinges on whether or not he'll even give me a chance. I may not deserve it, but I'm back to the place where I realize I'm a pretty awesome chick and worthy of knowing. I don't think he'd regret it. He's not someone who would be, or could be, another Hugh but he is someone I see as a long term friend and a lover when time allows.

So, yeah, I have quite a bit of contrition about my behavior during this horrifying bout of depression, both in SL and out. Luckily, I've been able to salvage and make amends for my actions in the real world. Strangely, that's easier to do in RL than it is in SL. I find myself now with a very short friends list and a desire to repair old friendships and find some new ones. New lovers as well. Men that meet my... standards... are rather thin on the ground in SL, or maybe I need to cast my net wider and find some new places full of new people.

But that's not easy, either. The introvert in me dislikes the unfamiliar, or is terribly uncomfortable with it anyway.
I just know I'm damn glad I'm out of the darkness. Those of you who don't struggle with depression can't understand, though I know you try and I'm thankful for that.

And those of you who have been through it, or are currently going through it, you understand the darkness, as well as that overwhelming sense of relief when you realize you're waking up in the morning without that heaviness weighing you down, when you realize you're coming out the other side and that you survived. You survived! I survived.

And I'm going to keep on surviving. I'm strong. I'm a good human. I'm a sensual lover. I'm a wonderful friend. I deserve to be happy, to find my bliss.

So, yeah... onward and upward. Living isn't for sissies. I am a kick-ass goddess and I've got a lot of living left to do.

I just have to figure out where to start. :-)

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